My thoughts feel frozen. I try to make sense of things, to look at things objectively (which I am normally great at), and to have wisdom on topics but if the subject is myself then I am incapable of doing it.
My heart feels frozen. I don't feel people care about me, I don't feel God's presence in my life (it is difficult to love someone you don't feel love you), and lately I feel completely incapable of prolonged happiness.
My body actually freezes up sometimes, or at least feels that way. When I see Kayla, Jill, Jeff and other people that I care a lot about that either don't care much for me or are making it a point to stay separated from me for whatever reason I don't know what to do. I get short of breath, sometimes I even come close to hyperventilating. A lot of the time I sit or stand there and stare at the floor or try to watch other people because I can't think of what I am supposed to do next. When I'm on the computer and I keep looking at Kayla's wall even though I removed her from my friends and I see updates about her amazing friends and being happy or even being angry or upset about something I sit there staring at the screen for a much longer time than is healthy. The only thing that might move in that time is my hands, the rest of my body is glued to the seat.
My motivation is frozen. I'm not doing anything to make things better, I'm not living God or even seeking Him to fill me or give me joy. My boss wants to make me a PIC (person in charge) and get a nice pay raise but I am not taking any time doing the things necessary to make that happen. I don't even know how I managed to work up the motivation to type this all out, but I guess I'm glad I did. I don't really feel better about myself after doing it, and I doubt anyone even reads it but at least I finally did something.
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