Decimation

I need to be completely destroyed. I mean entirely and absolutely broken and stripped until there is nothing left but the most primal and basic instinctual habits. I will never, ever, be able to live my life in full servitude of God going the way that I am now.

I've always wanted opportunities to sacrifice myself for the happiness and benefit of other people. God is making me walk the walk now. My (ex I guess) best friend wants nothing to do with me anymore, and I don't even think it's for a reason these days, other than the annoyance of my attempts to bring back our friendship. What I want more than anything is to be there for her when she's upset, and to let her know that she is loved and cared for (and in turn be loved by her) but I can't; she won't accept it. So many people have tried convincing me that it's pathetic and that she is acting so immaturely and that it's her loss and I don't deserve a friend like her (and they are right, she is a truly horrible friend who abandoned me when I needed her, came back and then did it again) but at one time she DID CARE, a lot, and that doesn't stop it from hurting. Yeah, I want to be able to hang out with her and enjoy her company, but so much more than any of all that I want to continuously and permanently show her how much she is cared for, I want to love her like Jesus would, despite how terribly she has treated me. I guess though, the way I need to show her love is to let her go, and that kills me. To see that she is hurting and not be able to try and help is harder than she could ever comprehend. So now it's time to walk the walk, and sacrifice myself and what makes me feel happy for her greater good.

I was informed tonight by another I care a lot about and was close to that she isn't interested in having any kind of meaningful friendship, and I imagine she means ever. I guess casual acquaintances would be a good term for what she would like, or maybe she doesn't care to talk to or interact with me from here on out. This caught me off guard. We hadn't talked in a long while because I cared way too much about her, was acting inappropriately and was making her feel uncomfortable, and more than anything I wanted to treat her respectfully and also be able to be there for her as well. I told her I would let her be until she was comfortable being friends again, and was constantly worried that there was a miscommunication there and that we would never talk again because she was waiting for me to talk to her, or thought I didn't want to, or that she didn't know I was over her, or a million other things. I was assured by people that wasn't the case, and I was told that she didn't plan on not being friends forever, so I was able to be patient and endure with a light at the end of the tunnel. That was all incorrect. What started as a harmless text tonight turned into a revelation that there was miscommunication, and she doesn't want to have the friendship that we used to have, even back when things were alright. Why not? Why do my actions deserve permanent and unalterable consequences? I have so many questions and so many things I need talk about with her but I can't now, it would be totally inappropriate to do so. Our friendship, at least to me, was really great and really made me feel truly good about myself, and I could tell that she legitimately cared about me and enjoyed my presence, instead of just allowing it. Once again, every part of me is screaming for our friendship to be restored so I can feel that happiness but more than ANYTHING so I can be a great friend to someone who deserves one, but to be that great friend I have to not be a friend at all.

These two situations have brought out the very worst in me, and let me tell you it is really, really bad. I hurt so badly that I literally have bad struggles with breathing, and I feel sick to my stomach for entire days at a time (not to mention the nightmares). My entire soul is built on a flawed foundation. I feel that if I make this sacrifice, if I show these women true love by letting them go and allowing myself to be forgotten and uncared for, that it is unjust because they will never feel or appreciate or be thankful for that love. Don't I deserve to have them appreciate how hard this is for me? Every single thing I say or do anymore is for pity, and subsequently attention, because I am so absolutely and utterly starved for affection. I have often wished and prayed for something bad to happen to me so people would feel terrible about how they've treated me. I am so angry at my mom for not showing me love, and for never being proud or happy of what I did even though she never had high expectations to begin with. I'm so mad at all the bullies and horrible people who got such pleasure out of throwing me down and making me hate myself. I'm mad at the friends I do have left for not taking more extreme and dramatic stances against the people who have been treating me badly, even though they are fighting for me more than I deserve. I constantly try to convince myself of how people DON'T care about me instead of how they do, and I have completely unrealistic expectations of how they should show me their love every day.

All of these things are seriously wrong, and they all travel deep into my soul. This is my plea to God. I can't fix myself on my own, I very obviously need your help, and I don't know how you are going to do that but this is what I am begging from you. I need something to happen to me that will completely destroy every notion of who I am. I don't know if it is a near-death experience, or maybe losing or giving up everything I own, or being sent somewhere I never wanted or expected to be, or what, but I need something completely extreme and completely effective to be thrown my way that breaks me down so completely that there is nothing left. Then I need to be built anew. Jesus, you were a carpenter so you are a good worksman, you can build me a solid foundation that won't crack or give in. Please.