Letters to Friends Series: Part 1

We met my Junior year of high school. I don't even remember how exactly, but between track meets, mutual friends, Shelby's prom, and any other medium in which our schools crossed paths, it wasn't long until we were friends.

There was always something about you, the way you carried yourself I guess, that I really liked, and I think you liked something about me too. In fact I know you did, because we talked about it! I remember how you told me that I inspired you not to drink or to live your life the way everyone else did. I wish I knew back then what I know now, and I wish that I would have said more to you. I wish that I could have saved you from that life, because you are worth so much more than you could ever believe, and you are so much better than this. I feel like it's my fault, like I could have done so much more for you and I probably could have, but I was selfish and I was also young and foolish.

I have to be honest, I really liked you. I could not wait until track meets every week to get to talk to you, and being on the same post prom team was pretty freaking awesome for me. Back then, you legitimately cared and had no problem being around me. I don't know what changed, maybe my self confidence, or lack thereof, or our lifestyles growing more and more apart, but I hate the mask you put on the rare times I run into you. You really make me believe that you are so glad to see me and that you would love nothing more than to hang out, but through a medium where you can easily ignore me, such as texting or Facebook, you clearly would rather not converse. I can understand that, really I can, that's not what's so hard. The hard part is the bittersweet feeling in my stomach every time I do see you.

You still have a special spot in my heart. I don't really know why, we've only talked on a number of occasions over the last several years, you live your life in a way I could never live, and as I stated above, I really don't think you care much. Despite all that, I am so happy anytime I get to see you, and at the same time my heart breaks to see you.

This is what I want to say. Your life is more valuable than gold. We've talked about God before, and it's not like you don't believe, but you have to see that your lifestyle (and thus your heart) is not devoted to Jesus, it's devoted to the world. I would do anything to break you free from that slavery, and the way it deceives you into thinking you are living life to the fullest, but that path will only lead you to death. I want so badly to show you the meaning of your heart, and how you can change the world. Maybe you'll read this someday and it will mean something to you, or maybe it won't, but I just want you to know that I love you, and so does Jesus, and both of us have shed tears at seeing how the world is sucking you down.

...sick.

I feel totally crushed. Truth that hurts does so so much more after being fed lies.

I don't want to whore attention so I didn't want to post this on Facebook, I just needed to let it out in some way and I don't know how to do that talking to people (at least there isn't anyone I am comfortable with). I let myself be made into a fool, sometimes even a source of amusement, while a wily, conniving puppet-master is making me dance.

I feel sick to my stomach. My heart feels like it is going to beat itself straight out of my chest. I don't feel like I can move. Despite all that, God can make good out of this, now how to trust in Him...

The people we would do anything for?

Lately I've been seeing and feeling a lot of love towards friends. Both from other people and myself personally. I think it's truly great, I never even knew what real friends were until college and I've met some people who I personally think are incredible individuals, that I believe do in fact care about me. What I haven't been seeing, though, and I think this is the dealbreaker, is an extreme love for people outside of our circles of best friends (I am including myself in this). If this is the case, as Jesus would say, what reward is there in that? Everyone cares about the people they are close to.

There is a plethora of verses on loving our neighbors (i.e. everyone), it's even considered the golden rule! Jesus, when asked what the greatest commandment was, said that the first was loving the Lord God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and the second is to love your neighbor as yourself.

Galatians 5:14 claims "...the whole law is fulfilled in one word, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'"

1 John 4:20 even goes so far as to claim that we can't really love God unless we love our fellow neighbors. "If any one says 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God who he has not seen."

I think this is being seriously overlooked by all of us as Christians. Essentially Jesus is telling us that the greatest way to love God is not by worshipping continously, praying constantly, fasting, sacrificing, going to church, tithing, or anything of the sort. It's by loving other people in this world the way that He loves them. Yeah, I think I fail pretty epicly at loving God properly if that is the true barometer.

I could most definitely be mistaken and blowing this up to be more than it is, but I don't believe I am. Time and time again I see, and commit, proclamations about doing anything for our friends, or loving them more than anyone in the world, or raising them up and praising them because they care a lot about us. Would we give anything for people that we aren't friends with? That have wronged us? Would you give up your life for someone who spent theirs belittling you and causing you pain? I definitely wouldn't, but it's something I am trying to work on.

When I was a senior in high school I had my PSP stolen by one of the kids that I judged as no-good. Always getting into trouble, always getting bad grades, never doing any work, that sort of thing. I found out he took it and reported him and he got in trouble for it and he also hated me for it (he and his friends already didn't like me, their favorite nicknames for me were 'Bible thumper' and 'Fag Jesus'). One day at the bus stop I was getting into my car and saw him and his friends start walking towards home like they did every day. I don't know what it was about that day, but my heart felt heavy so I drove up to them and asked if they wanted a ride. I'm not sure if it was out of proper love or not, but it was hard to do and it helped me realize how terribly I really treat the people that I don't care much for, and how in treating them that way I am continuing a cycle of them treating me similarly. I know that's a pretty minor example of how dramatically we can love people who have wronged us in much worse ways, but it was very significant to me.

Are you only loving your friends? How about your neighbors? Your enemies? Everyone?

Decimation

I need to be completely destroyed. I mean entirely and absolutely broken and stripped until there is nothing left but the most primal and basic instinctual habits. I will never, ever, be able to live my life in full servitude of God going the way that I am now.

I've always wanted opportunities to sacrifice myself for the happiness and benefit of other people. God is making me walk the walk now. My (ex I guess) best friend wants nothing to do with me anymore, and I don't even think it's for a reason these days, other than the annoyance of my attempts to bring back our friendship. What I want more than anything is to be there for her when she's upset, and to let her know that she is loved and cared for (and in turn be loved by her) but I can't; she won't accept it. So many people have tried convincing me that it's pathetic and that she is acting so immaturely and that it's her loss and I don't deserve a friend like her (and they are right, she is a truly horrible friend who abandoned me when I needed her, came back and then did it again) but at one time she DID CARE, a lot, and that doesn't stop it from hurting. Yeah, I want to be able to hang out with her and enjoy her company, but so much more than any of all that I want to continuously and permanently show her how much she is cared for, I want to love her like Jesus would, despite how terribly she has treated me. I guess though, the way I need to show her love is to let her go, and that kills me. To see that she is hurting and not be able to try and help is harder than she could ever comprehend. So now it's time to walk the walk, and sacrifice myself and what makes me feel happy for her greater good.

I was informed tonight by another I care a lot about and was close to that she isn't interested in having any kind of meaningful friendship, and I imagine she means ever. I guess casual acquaintances would be a good term for what she would like, or maybe she doesn't care to talk to or interact with me from here on out. This caught me off guard. We hadn't talked in a long while because I cared way too much about her, was acting inappropriately and was making her feel uncomfortable, and more than anything I wanted to treat her respectfully and also be able to be there for her as well. I told her I would let her be until she was comfortable being friends again, and was constantly worried that there was a miscommunication there and that we would never talk again because she was waiting for me to talk to her, or thought I didn't want to, or that she didn't know I was over her, or a million other things. I was assured by people that wasn't the case, and I was told that she didn't plan on not being friends forever, so I was able to be patient and endure with a light at the end of the tunnel. That was all incorrect. What started as a harmless text tonight turned into a revelation that there was miscommunication, and she doesn't want to have the friendship that we used to have, even back when things were alright. Why not? Why do my actions deserve permanent and unalterable consequences? I have so many questions and so many things I need talk about with her but I can't now, it would be totally inappropriate to do so. Our friendship, at least to me, was really great and really made me feel truly good about myself, and I could tell that she legitimately cared about me and enjoyed my presence, instead of just allowing it. Once again, every part of me is screaming for our friendship to be restored so I can feel that happiness but more than ANYTHING so I can be a great friend to someone who deserves one, but to be that great friend I have to not be a friend at all.

These two situations have brought out the very worst in me, and let me tell you it is really, really bad. I hurt so badly that I literally have bad struggles with breathing, and I feel sick to my stomach for entire days at a time (not to mention the nightmares). My entire soul is built on a flawed foundation. I feel that if I make this sacrifice, if I show these women true love by letting them go and allowing myself to be forgotten and uncared for, that it is unjust because they will never feel or appreciate or be thankful for that love. Don't I deserve to have them appreciate how hard this is for me? Every single thing I say or do anymore is for pity, and subsequently attention, because I am so absolutely and utterly starved for affection. I have often wished and prayed for something bad to happen to me so people would feel terrible about how they've treated me. I am so angry at my mom for not showing me love, and for never being proud or happy of what I did even though she never had high expectations to begin with. I'm so mad at all the bullies and horrible people who got such pleasure out of throwing me down and making me hate myself. I'm mad at the friends I do have left for not taking more extreme and dramatic stances against the people who have been treating me badly, even though they are fighting for me more than I deserve. I constantly try to convince myself of how people DON'T care about me instead of how they do, and I have completely unrealistic expectations of how they should show me their love every day.

All of these things are seriously wrong, and they all travel deep into my soul. This is my plea to God. I can't fix myself on my own, I very obviously need your help, and I don't know how you are going to do that but this is what I am begging from you. I need something to happen to me that will completely destroy every notion of who I am. I don't know if it is a near-death experience, or maybe losing or giving up everything I own, or being sent somewhere I never wanted or expected to be, or what, but I need something completely extreme and completely effective to be thrown my way that breaks me down so completely that there is nothing left. Then I need to be built anew. Jesus, you were a carpenter so you are a good worksman, you can build me a solid foundation that won't crack or give in. Please.

I am, and was, yours to hold

Another song seemingly written about my life. Maybe it is meant to be romantic but this is for my friend.



I see you standing here
But you're so far away
Starving for your attention
You don't even know my name

You're going through so much
But I know that I could be the one to hold you


Every single day
I find it hard to say
I could be yours alone
You will see someday
That all along the way
I was yours to hold
I was yours to hold

I see you walking by
Your hair always hiding your face
I wonder why you've been hurting
I wish I had some way to say

You're going through so much
Don't you know that I could be the one to hold you


I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
You should know
I'm ready when you're ready for me
And I'm waiting for the right time
For the day I catch your eye
To let you know
That I'm yours to hold


I'm stretching but you're just out of reach
I'm ready when you're ready for me

Sad song for a happy person

Over the last two weeks I have been listening to my iPod on shuffle and have these revelations about how certain songs capture what I'm going through, seemingly 100%. This is one of them, for my best friend.

Don't Say Goodbye by Jamestown Story

I've been, hoping for some movement from your lips

but they're too chapped for the words to come out, you know the outcome so don't stall, me now.

You've been, holding all the cards when I'm all in

my luck has turned into painful dismay, but I can't walk away cause I need you, yeah I need you.

Don't say goodbye, don't say you tried, don't say that you've got to walk away, please don't talk this way.

Don't say goodbye, don't say you tried, don't say goodbye, this can't be goodbye.

I know, everyone has had their emotions, ripped in half, but what I'd like to know

is how I should live with your actions, with your absence.

Is there, something I can do to remove the, memories of you yeah I want to believe

this will all go away but I can't now, no I can't now.

Don't say goodbye, don't say you tried, don't say that you've got to walk away, please don't talk this way.

Don't say goodbye, don't say you tried, don't say goodbye, this can't be goodbye.

God this hurts too much to breathe, when you're not here next to me.

I can't breathe, I can't breathe without you.

God this hurts too much to breathe, when you're not here next to me.

I can't breathe, I can't breathe without you.

Don't say goodbye, don't say you tried, don't say that you've got to walk away, please don't talk this way.

Don't say goodbye, don't say you tried, don't say goodbye, this can't be goodbye.

Nightmares

I had another nightmare last night. In 20 years of living, I can only recall having a handful of nightmares my entire life. In the last month, I can recall at least five, all about the same person or people. They are unlike any other dreams I have too, because they actually make sense, feel legitimate, are set in realistic environments and have even more realistic events. This is probably the most painful thing I can ever remember dealing with. These are how I remember them (names changed to protect the innocent).

Nightmare #1 (Beginning of April):

April had just broken up with her boyfriend, again, and was stranded without a ride home so I came and picked her up. She was completely distraught and hurt and there wasn't really anything I can do (which is hard for me, I always want to help people). It was a single lane highway and we were about to go around a bend (it was late and thus dark) and I was distracted by something, I might have been changing something on my iPod, and swerved into the other lane. An oncoming car honked and I noticed at the last second and swerved back violently and the car flipped a few times and stopped upside down after hitting an electrical pole in the ditch. I was banged up quite a bit but I was alright, I got out and crawled around to the other side and April was still strapped in unconscious. I unbuckled her seatbelt and she fell hard and I pulled her out and called 911. The next part I remember was being in the hospital and finding out that she had broken her neck and was in a coma and it was all my fault.

Nightmare #2 (Three Days Later):

I had gotten involved borrowing money from some bad people in a city somewhere (think mafia or loan sharks or whatever), and I didn't have the money and was always hiding and on the run. These guys found out that I cared about April more than anyone else in the world, and they got to her to try and teach me a lesson. They brought me to some warehouse where they had her tied in a chair, and they proceeded to break and skin every single one of her fingers, one at a time while I watched, once again knowing that I had caused this.

Nightmare #3 (2-3 weeks ago):

April was only 17 years old in this dream, and we weren't very close friends but I still cared a lot about her. She wasn't a very good person though, and she knew how I cared and tried taking advantage of it. She tried sweet talking and manipulating me so she could get me to buy her cigarettes and alcohol and I very nearly completely fell for it. This might not seem so bad of a dream, but someone I care a lot about was, for a little while, a terrible person, and didn't care one ounce about me but tried taking advantage of me. This was probably the worst nightmare I've had really.

Nightmare #4 (Last night):

Thank God this one is somewhat vague in my mind. All I remember for sure is that April and Kristina (another girl I care a lot about and have had feelings for) had both recently had their relationships end, and they both blamed me for it. They hated me because of that, and wanted to make me hurt. In order to accomplish that, they started having impure sexual relationships with the other's ex right in front of me, for the sole purpose of spiting me and making me hurt. I was sitting there screaming and balling and completely broken and they were both so absolutely happy because of it.

I'm so thankful that I can't remember parts about certain dreams, and some I can't remember much at all (there have been more nightmares).